I am so Virginia Woolf certain that I am going mad again. Probably not really dying in this town. More like torn between wanting to run away and wanting to stay.
Sitting here in this corporate world in my day-world, I get chills in my body. And it's getting me crazy annoyed. The airconditioning is already off but the cold air has remained in this red sweater I'm wearing. I could go out the terrace and bask in the afternoon's sun for a minute or two, but I have things to finish and I have to have them done by Friday.
There's this blue pill I ask from the receptionist every time I feel like I'll be having the colds. I am taking it now. My pink water container is now half-emptied (yes, I choose to say that; not half-full), and with the water mirror already half its size, I see no white heart anymore.
In my table is this big mug for my pens, cutter, stapler, and more pens. The handle's form is half that of a heart. This pink see-through water container is placed just in front of the mug.
The handle seen through that is a pink-white heart.
And now that I took the blue pill, there's no more heart for me. Table and eyes now in pink tears.
I said 'no' for tonight's field duty. I'm way too sick for any more work.I haven't held that bulky microphone for about four days now. No scavenging for artists or new things to feature, no writing of scripts, no voice-overs, and no worrying of cab rides on a deserted highway at half past midnight.
So there you go. My world in two maps.
I would want to run, fly off, or just close my eyes and be totally devoid of any idea or thought.
My heart's beating fast, my body's acting crazy weird, my eyes are all teary, and my mind's so full of schedules and self-made appointments.
Last night, I watched a short clip of Chai on TV singing that song she sang at Ratsky on April 9 of last year, ten days before my birthday. We lied about my birthdate. I got that very delicious miniature cake...
"You can reach me by rainbow..."
I wish I could do that. Travel by rainbow.
I change my mind.
I definitely am dying in this town.