October 5, 2005

sept 29, 1am.. when vacuum was almost at its perfection.

After writing almost a hundred I-want-list yesterday night, it felt like I would be quite ready to face today. I thought I really don't have to deal with all those sub-worlds and sub-lives that pop out in my mind every now and then. I fear the day when they shall control me fully, when I cannot have a full grasp on my thoughts. Maybe it would be like drowning in a dried-up pool, or like riding a straight-path roller coaster yet still feeling the extreme rush of twists and low turns. Because you see, it's like losing myself in a situation that's absolutely trivial and non-challenging. It's like a win-win situation, whichever angle I may look at it, I could never lose, never break down. But that's just how opposite the way things are with me right now. My mood shifts that range from extreme high to extreme low happen in a matter of seconds. Seriously, I did not think it would be possible for anyone to feel this way. Like it's an unheard-of state of the mind or being. You see, just a while ago, about 5 seconds my estimate, I was in a state of melancholy or general peace, and then now, just writing and thinking and thinking, I have grown to be a head with a pail of tears. I hate this. Not understanding myself. I hate this. Everyday I have to deal with my thoughts. I can't bear them all. I can't. Sometimes I ask God if He put me into this just so I'd break down and kill myself in the most stupid of reasons. I hate it when my hand shakes. I hate it when my nape aches. I hate it when I cry. I hate it when I use the word cry. Oh dear, I'm losing it. Now I'm drowning. God forbid my jumping off the cliff this time.

Have you ever tried looking at a wilted leaf really closely. Just staring at it for a.. for a.. well actually, time passes by without you knowing it. Just holding the leaf and looking at it. I hope you noticed the burnt brown. And orange. And red. Lots of shades of red.
You see them all now? Maybe you'd think it's like a dead person, so full of colors, each of those hues seemingly dull, does not really stand out against the others.
Oh I hate that when people care less for idle sittings and looking at things. You know I'd love to find my own spot someday, just sitting somewhere or lying down and watching things pass. I might even want to see air itself.
I want to be idle.
I want to cheat time.
I want to be all-out irresponsible.

I've been running for weeks now.. no; for months. And yet I see nothing. Nothing.
I see no one.
No one; not anybody out there. No single person sees me, too.
Wouldn't that be really sad? You running with the air against your hair and face, you thinking that at the end there would be a door, or a house, or a nice bench, or fences.. and yet there's nothing? Just nothing.

You ever had the feeling of dreaming the most wonderful dream, and then you wake up numb and you are almost like a void, or like a gray area in a canvass? Just nothing. No anger from the abrupt ending of the dream. No anticipation for another dream when you go back to sleep.
Just empty.
This is vacuum at its perfection.

And then you feel like you are the most brainless person on earth.
You feel like numb fingers that move but with no tingles or warmth. That would really be dying, huh?
Oh that's funny. Dead fingers. Dead fingers on a live hand, a live arm.

Why am I saying 'you?'
My nape aches again.

No comments: