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October 6, 2004

and if changing is NEW to me... or to anyone else, for that matter

THREE YEARS AGO. I WENT TO COLLEGE. I JUST FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL . I TOOK A PROGRAM UNDER THE ARTS. I MET NEW PEOPLE. I VISITED NEW WEBSITES. I WENT TO DIFFERENT PLACES. I ATTENDED DIFFERENT CONFERENCES. I READ NEW BOOKS. I TRIED A CHILI, RED CHILI. I SHOULD CHANGE. I SHOULD START.
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THERE'S my laundry beneath my drawer.

BROWSE through my papers, and you'll see archives of 1995, 1994, 1993. do i have all those scratch drafts from 1992?

MY closet's all-jumbled up. skirt stacked with blouse. denims beneath my socks. how do i find that sweater i had 5 years ago? november rains at night and i have nothing to block off the cold.

SLEEPING time. do i have one? i deliberately stay awake until dawn. 2AM, 3AM. is there such a thing as dawn? or night? is my bodyclock not rusted up in some areas? sometimes it feels like i stay awake not for my own sake, but for the feel of changing a lifestyle to fit in to the fast paced-world.

HYSTERIA comes up my tracks every once in a while; while i cram for exams; while i internally justify my actions and my thoughts; while i cry over my irresponsibilities; while my family slaps my faults at me; and consequently, while i realize that they are right.

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...
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NOW, I AM ABOUT TO FINISH MY COLLEGE DEGREE. GOD-WILLING, I WILL GRADUATE NEXT YEAR. I HAVE TRIED BLOGGING. I HAVE INTERVIEWED PEOPLE FOR THE PAPER. I HAVE CRIED OVER A GUY. I HAVE REREAD, AND STILL AM REREADING MY PIECES OF DRAFTS, NOTEBOOKS, PAPERS, JOURNALS, BOOKS, ARTICLES. I HAVE GROWN TWO YEARS OLDER.
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THERE"S my laundry beneath my drawer.

BROWSE through my papers, and you'll see archives of 1995, 1994, 1993. do i have all those scratch drafts from 1992?

MY closet's all-jumbled up. skirt stacked with blouse. denims beneath my socks. how do i find that sweater i had 7 years ago? november rains at night and i have nothing to block off the cold.

SLEEPING time. do i have one? i deliberately stay awake until dawn. 2AM, 3AM. is there such a thing as dawn? or night? is my bodyclock not rusted up in some areas? sometimes it feels like i stay awake not for my own sake, but for the feel of changing a lifestyle to fit in to the fast paced-world.

HYSTERIA comes up my tracks every once in a while; while i cram for exams; while i internally justify my actions and my thoughts; while i cry over my irresponsibilities; while my family slaps my faults at me; and consequently, while i realize that they are right.

5 comments:

Hiraya said...

vera... i can relate... i so can relate.

RUSS said...

vera...I can relate...I can so relate.

Anonymous said...

ver, finally, ka visit nako.

now i know why they call you a literary writer.

for a while...

ok, during that "for a while" i was trying to write something as good as what you had just written.

shoot, ka drama. but really, my blog doesn't even seem half as good as yours. so ato nalang to. tsk. enjoy mga bloggista!

hey ver, why do your posts sound so sad? you have so much to smile for, ver. on top of it, your talent. if i have it, i would be smiling my way through college life, believe me.

Anonymous said...

ey ver... i've just finished writing something to beca... i'm gonna tell you the same thing... smile... laugh... you're worse than bx.. if bca's always in a bad mood, you're more... you're always frowning... i miss having fun with you guys but somehow i don't think that there will be a chance of that happenning soon... the lot of you always has problems... look at your posts... they're all about complaints of being tired... your poems... you, bx, and russ... they're all dark... happy people get sad reading what you write...
take it easy...

RUSS said...

I thought you said you were gonna blog?