May 29, 2006
Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover I did not finish, unfortunately I misplaced the book at the time when I only had to read about five more chapters. Women in Love I brought to the office with me so I could look at the cover every now and then. Unexplainable but soothing.
Apparently I have no time to read a whole novel, and will have more of those "no-more-time" come June as another workload comes my way regarding ABSCBN. It's fun and challenging, but as I wrote to my BAMC wormies: I'm running back and forth in in two worlds, quite exciting, the rush and all, but where is that saturation point? i hope i don't reach that line. and when will the body say "enough." so vegetables and prayers, help me. help us all fresh graduates with hopeful and willing eyes (sob and sigh).
So poetry books here they come, keeping me unconditional company... there's Carlos Angeles whose worlds I can't quite grasp, there's Eileen Tabios with her white flag, always that white flag and those foreign places that speak of hotels and parks and random acquaintances... there's Maya Angelou who prays her wings are gonna fit her well.. and there's Russ in my wallet speaking about two red balloons that slide against each other... there's Jay in my cellphone whose words have long vanished along with his presence..
At home I sleep and pray almost always hurriedly, Jesus and Mary in their posts catching their breaths trying to keep pace with my needs and wants and limited thank yous.
At home I scold Vincent and Vanvan, their ears and faces numb and indifferent to my often-unreasonable yells. I wonder what memories about me, that older sister who rarely comes home, would remain as they grow up.
At home, I struggle to wake up every morning, and forget the time of day, the date, what clothes I slept in, where to go to... that momentary blank the time you open your eyes and grope for your cellphone.
I cry, of course but this time without tears. It's useful, the crying without the dull staining of the cheeks....
Someday soon, I will find my own place and be able to dance again.