April 12, 2006

I had my hair cut

Your physical self is an extension to your inner mind and heart.
I feel good today.
Let this be my anchor.. even if only a temporary one.

Last night was Liyo's post-birthday party. We danced at Veranda. Talked. Almost cried with happiness and sadness, the inconsistencies of the world bubbling up from our throats and out of the mouth and arms and fingers.
Liyo prepared his little ritual, placed surprise thingies inside five cinammon breads, one for each of us (yen wasn't there.. becca was there with us, so the odd number was still consistent..and i refused to feel hurt that yen wasn't there. after all, there are more important things for her to attend to).
I got a peace ring. Peace for me.
Russ got Tobleron. Sweetness for him.
Becca got a condom. Passion.
Chai, a five-peso coin. Prosperity.
And for newly 21-year-old Liyo, a mirror. Mirror for beauty.

Tomorrow, Maundy Thursday, I leave for Bantayan by land-trip with an ABSCBN crew with Rico Lucena as senior reporter.
Will be back by Saturday, just in time for a day's rest until Sunday, day when Yen and I have to go to Tacloban for the All Visayas Creative Writers' Workshop.
On the 22nd of this month, I plan to go to Catmon with Yen, see Ginsaugon and the mountain of hardened soil, then be back by the 23rd in Cebu for the graduation on April 26.
Will I meet new people?
Will I get to read a new book?
Will I be able to swim?
Schedules. Schedules... those things that make you forget and make you feel that you are busy and that there is some sense in the direction you're heading.. if you even know which way you really want to go to.

I have gained Mama's trust. At a degree, she respects me now - the decisions I make, the things I do... It feels good to be at ease, to know that you can move around without having to poise yourself with answers for questions hurled at you.

My life is, at a surface, in sync.
But I need to have something to want so badly.
To need and crave and wish and hope for.
A constant flow of red in my veins, bluish, violet, orange, something that burns, pains, empowers, hurts, loves...

Michael will probably forget me all-out. No text messages. No calls. No talks.
But this is what I want, right?
I can be happy with him but not at peace...
I like him but not enough...
I can risk some things but not all...
In the end, no one wins.

I wish to work things out the right way.
I can live my life.. and I will live it with the most I have, and the most of myself that I can give to the world.

1 comment:

patricia said...

"as a man thinketh, so is he..." -francis schaeffer

great minds...