September 12, 2005

so i changed my template.

because i had nothing else to do.

because seeing the green window seemed to choke me.

because i need to divert myself to something new or something i could say to, "whoow. this is something else. wow ver, let's start talking about you."self-talk is that one thing i extremely want to do right now.not the self-talk where i go silent and imagine myself hearing answers or anything from the mind.maybe i could close my eyes and really concentrate and this copy of me will just pop out. she doesn't know she is a copy of me, a full-loaded copy - thinks like me, acts like me, talks like me, cries like me, maybe even sways her hair like me, laughs like me, reacts like me, writes like me, drinks like me, dances like me....
maybe i could kill myself and pray really hard before swallowing or drinking poison or running across the highway, pray for that self to suddenly just materialize, and i would be a floating entity, just floating, with the sole purpose of seeing vera.


so i changed my template because i can not totally be honest to myself.because there are things i can't say out loud, or write in bold letters.there are things that only the unspeaking mind handles. the story creeps inside my head, endangering all the other stories that i could bravely tell everyone, even this hellish blog. the story may seem insignificant but it is kept hidden so it grows a life of its own, gaining momentum, gaining for itself an anger and anguish that disrupts my system of strength and self-faith.....the dots represent erased lines that i can not continue writing.
i must be such a coward.

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